"Don't you ever feel sorry for yourself, kiddo. There is always someone worse off than you are. No matter what. Always someone worse off who's not feeling sorry for themselves, so you shouldn't either," said the van driver as he flicked his cigarette onto the ground early that cold fall morning. I was 10, I think. My mom and I were set to begin our biannual trip on the "short bus" for low income families to the children's hospital for crippled kids. And just in case the wheelchair ramp, or the old guys with the funny looking hats didn't give away where we were headed, it was plastered all over the 15 passenger van: "Shriners Hospital for Crippled Children". They did that so other drivers cruising down the interstate could peer in and stare as we drove by. Some would even flip us off for fun.
I've had dozens and dozens of people give me the exact same unprovoked pep-talk that bus driver gave me that morning. People I don't even know, people I'll never see again - "don't feel sorry for yourself, there's always someone worse off." I don't remember responding to him that day, but I doubt I said much. I rarely talked on the 12 hour van ride there, and never talked to the doctors and nurses once we arrived. Couldn't they see, if I were worse off I'd belong here at this hospital, or if I were better off I'd belong in the world I lived in every day. I didn't feel sorry for myself from what I could tell, I just wanted a category that I fit into. Someone to tell me - "you fit here; we want you. You don't embarrass us. We're not ashamed of you. You won't be the best, and you'll most times even be the worst, and that's fine - we're just glad you're here." How many uncomfortable meltdowns in front of my peers those words could have prevented. No one knew that was what I needed to hear, not even me. I mistook my pride throughout childhood and the teen years for low self-esteem. I thought if people could just really praise me for the few things I could do, I would feel so much better about myself. I'd feel good about being "me". But that wouldn't have been true. I needed to find out - it's ok to be the worst, the last... to fail. The loser belongs here just as much as the winner. We all play the game together. And the loser who loses gracefully and graciously is really the winner after all. He gets the position all the winners in the world combined, could not have filled. Take a bow, win the crowd - they choose you as their champion! And I mean that as someone in the crowd - YOU are the people's choice.
I've had dozens and dozens of people give me the exact same unprovoked pep-talk that bus driver gave me that morning. People I don't even know, people I'll never see again - "don't feel sorry for yourself, there's always someone worse off." I don't remember responding to him that day, but I doubt I said much. I rarely talked on the 12 hour van ride there, and never talked to the doctors and nurses once we arrived. Couldn't they see, if I were worse off I'd belong here at this hospital, or if I were better off I'd belong in the world I lived in every day. I didn't feel sorry for myself from what I could tell, I just wanted a category that I fit into. Someone to tell me - "you fit here; we want you. You don't embarrass us. We're not ashamed of you. You won't be the best, and you'll most times even be the worst, and that's fine - we're just glad you're here." How many uncomfortable meltdowns in front of my peers those words could have prevented. No one knew that was what I needed to hear, not even me. I mistook my pride throughout childhood and the teen years for low self-esteem. I thought if people could just really praise me for the few things I could do, I would feel so much better about myself. I'd feel good about being "me". But that wouldn't have been true. I needed to find out - it's ok to be the worst, the last... to fail. The loser belongs here just as much as the winner. We all play the game together. And the loser who loses gracefully and graciously is really the winner after all. He gets the position all the winners in the world combined, could not have filled. Take a bow, win the crowd - they choose you as their champion! And I mean that as someone in the crowd - YOU are the people's choice.
"Shoot for the dreams within your ever shrinking horizon" - that's my life's motto. My dad took me for a walk one day, I don't think I was much older than 7. He, as any good father would have done, clued me in on the life that lay ahead: "...You're going to have to try for a career that's within your abilities. Maybe a secretary... Something like that..." "Oh no I'm not," I thought to myself, "I'm going to do whatever I want to do!" Many years later as I listened to my husband on the phone to my then employer telling them I wouldn't be coming in that day or ever again, because I couldn't lift my head off of the pillow - "I guess, maybe I'll try for something within my abilities... if I just knew what they were..." I am physically capable of doing just about anything - once. What limits me physically, is met equally by my limits mentally. An ocean of limitless possibilities if only it weren't for... the limits. But that's okay, I won't feel sorry for myself, I don't need to - because I'm here. And I belong here. And I will have to get up the nerve to do that thing everyone else does without a second thought, and I will be awkward and blush at all of the wrong times, and I will make people roll their eyes or feel bothered. I probably won't do whatever it is - right, and I probably won't start being good at it today... But I'm here, because I belong here, doing this thing called "life", I enjoy doing so much. I'll do my best not to hurt anybody, and maybe even let someone else know - "you fit here; I want you. You don't embarrass me. I'm not ashamed of you. You won't be the best, and you will most times even be the worst, and that's fine - I'm just glad you're here."
Not knowing you as a child it is always hard for me to imagine this was part of your walk. You bloom where ever I have seen you, not just with in yourself, but you encourage the whole room to turn towards the light and BLOOM! I know that there are so many things I don't know about you, but Abba Father set you in my path because He knew you fit there, and for that I am so very THANKFUL! Thanks for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much for your sweet words of encouragement! They mean the world to me! I am so very glad we were planted together!!:)
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